Category Archives: Humour

Jesus Being Crucified (Offensive Joke)

How offensive is that?

Jesus has just been nailed to the cross and has begun to suffer from the wounds, A crowd has gathered to watch and sympathize with Him. As Jesus looks out over the gathering he calls to one of his apostle’s. “Paul… Paul,” He calls out. Paul hears his name and comes to the front of the gathering. “Yes Jesus, how I may serve you” he exclaims. Just then a guard comes up to Paul, cuts Paul’s right arm off with his sword, and throws him back into the crowd, saying “No one is allowed to speak with the prisoner!” Jesus once again calls his name. “Paul . . . Paul”, he calls. Paul, determined goes to the front of the gathering again. There he meets the same guard who this time cuts off the left arm, and both legs and throws him back into the crowd.

Jesus yells out once again, “Paul…Paul”. Paul, who is now lying on his back on the ground, attempts to roll to the front of the gathering. The guard seeing this determination and devotion finally weakens and decides to let Paul speak to Jesus. He goes over to Paul, picks him up and brings him to the front of the crowd. Paul, with tears in his eyes looks up to his saviour and speaks, “Yes Jesus, I am here. What is it I can do for you?” Jesus looks over the horizon and then to Paul and states,”Oh nothing. I just wanted to tell you that I could see your house from here!”


Why George Bush Quit Drinking?

Some say George W. Bush quit drinking because of this incident…

Back in his party days, Dubya got behind the wheel after a few too many. He started the car and stepped on the gas. He was driving for a while, when suddenly a white ghost face appeared in the window. George saw it and began screaming.

He stepped on the gas harder, but the face floated right in the window. George floored it – the speedometer read 110mph but the face did not disappear. A white hands gestured for him to roll down the window. Not knowing what else to do, he rolled it down slowly.

The wrinkled old face smiled and said, “Do you want help getting out of the mud?”


College vs High School

1. In high school, you do homework. In college, you study.

2. No food is allowed in the hall in high school. In college, food must be provided at an event before students will come.

3. In high school, you wear your backpack on one shoulder; in college, on both.

4. In college, the professors can tell you the answer without looking at the teacher’s guide.

5. In college, there are no bells or tardy slips.

6. In high school, you have to live with your parents. In college, you get to live with your friends.

7. In college, you don’t have to wait in a certain lunch line to be cool.

8. Only nerds e-mailed in high school. (Cool kids hadn’t heard of it.)

9. In high school, you’re told what classes to take. In college, you get to choose; that is, as long as the classes don’t conflict and you have the prerequisites and the classes aren’t closed and you’ve   paid your tuition.

10. In high school, if you screw up you can usually sweet-talk your way out of it. In college, you’re lucky to ever talk with the professor.

11. In high school, fire drills are planned by the administration; in college, by the drunk frat boys on their way home when the bars close.

12. In college, any test consists of a larger percentage of your grade than your high school final exams ever did.

13. In high school, when the teacher said, “Good morning,” you mumbled back. In college, when the professor says, “Good morning,” you write it down.

14. In high school, freshman guys hit on senior girls. In college, senior guys hit on freshman girls.

15. In college, weekends start on Thursday.

16. In college, it’s much more difficult to figure out the course schedule of the man/woman you have a crush on, in order to figure out where he/she will be walking around campus and at what   time to find them there.

17. Once you’ve obtained the information described in #10, it’s much more time-consuming to run between classes to that place where you know he/she will be in order to “just happen to bump into him/her.”

18. In college, there’s no one to tell you not to eat pizza three meals a day.

19. In college, your dad doesn’t pay for dates.

20. In high school, it never took 3 or 4 weeks to get money from Mom and Dad.

21. College men are cuter than high school boys.

22. College women are legal.

23. In college, when you miss a class (or two or three), you don’t need a note from your parents saying you were skip… uh, sick that day.

24. In high school, you can’t go out to lunch because it’s not allowed. In college, you can’t go out to lunch because you can’t afford it.

25. In college, you can blow off studying by writing lists like this.


Got Game?

Thought only Torres or Ballack or Arshavin can play the game? Very Wrong.


The Top Ten Lies Told by Graduate Students

The Top Ten Lies Told by Graduate Students taken from the Harvard Crimson:

10. It doesn’t bother me at all that my college roommate is making $80,000 a year on Wall Street.

9. I’d be delighted to proofread your book/chapter/article.

8. My work has a lot of practical importance.

7. I would never date an undergraduate.

6. Your latest article was so inspiring.

5. I turned down a lot of great job offers to come here.

4. I just have one more book to read and then I’ll start writing.

3. The department is giving me so much support.

2. My job prospects look really good.

1. No really, I’ll be out of here in only two more years.


Incredible India?

Incredible India?

Incredible India? Surely. Child Bear or Chilled Beer: The man behind it surely must have thought that the shop-owners are gonna deal in bears or beers, heck the spelling.


Hollywood Lessons

~HOLLYWOOD LESSONS~

~It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one, dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

~Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.

~All beds have special L-shaped sheets that reach the armpit level of a woman, but only the waist level of the man lying beside her.

~At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

~Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.

~All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

~Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least a half-hour to escape.

~You’re very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

~A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

~If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

~If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

~Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

~All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they’re going to go off, but luckily you’ll always blindly choose to cut the right wire.

~A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

~Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.